Postcards of Grief

Mourning is a process.

Comments on breast cancer by proxy, written by a woman coping with the loss of her mother.

Thursday, March 11, 2004

Why I Might Move

Good afternoon. It seems like everyone fucking hates me right now. That is, more than half of the legislators in my state think that I’m not worthy of a legal relationship with Brooke. Some number of legislators also believes that only one of us should have legal guardianship of the kids we hope to raise. They know that this could easily lead to one or more of the people in my family, including the kids, not having health insurance.

But this is “for the children.” It’s to protect marriage and families and children. I’m all about protecting marriage and families and children, but I don’t want to do it their way.


Make it more difficult (but not more expensive) to marry than it is to divorce. Any old (heterosexual) pair of yahoos can tie the knot in a matter of minutes if they both show valid identification. Divorces take much longer and cost much more money, and that implies that people are supposed to be unhappy in marriage. Not so! Protecting marriage means making sure that people who enter in to the legal contract are in it for the long haul. Making divorce easier allows women to escape abusive relationships more quickly and puts children through the divorce process in a shorter and less intense period of time.


When there is one and only one legal parent, allow that person to select their partner as a legal co-parent. Allow either partner to deduct child care costs. Require employers which offer health benefits to make the benefits available to non-married partners at the same cost as to married partners. Also, require that health benefits be extended to the partner’s child or children at the same rate as to the employee’s child or children. Or better yet, implement a universal health care system.


Encourage parents to play an active role in their children’s lives. With the understanding that children who have three or more adult role models have the highest self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-awareness, institute programs which encourage parents to develop communities and get involved in other children’s lives as well. Allow legal parents who are single to appoint a co-parent or secondary parent in the event that the primary parent is incapacitated or dies. Require that all school workers, medical staff, municipal employees, and all others working with children to go through training for appropriate ways to work with children with nonheteronormative families (i.e., not assuming the child only has one parent of either sex).

Or maybe I should keep it short and sweet...
Let people of the same sex get married if they want. Then the health insurance divide is at least equal between same sex and opposite sex couples, and they can adopt one other’s children and assume the legal protections and responsibilities thereof.

(A few months ago, Mom had a phone conversation with a friend she hadn’t heard from in a while. When Friend asked how I was, Mom told her about the anti-gay marriage amendment and how I was working to oppose it. Friend told Mom she didn’t approve of gay marriage, and Mom ripped her a new one. When I heard about this, I gave Mom tips on how better to argue her case. So, Mom? You probably don’t have a use for these notes, but drop this in the form of a clue bomb in Friend’s lap. I miss you.)


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