Postcards of Grief

Mourning is a process.

Comments on breast cancer by proxy, written by a woman coping with the loss of her mother.

Thursday, November 09, 2006


My mother has been showing up in dreams lately. She's back to her healthy self and looks how I had hoped I would remember her. In these dreams, we get in the car together to drive somewhere, and I can smell her perfume. Or I call her on the phone, and we chat.

It's nice to see her again. Someone told me that the day would come when I would look forward to dreaming about her. Given my prior dreams where she made an appearance, I doubted that very much. Then a period went by where I had no dreams about her at all. Until the last few days, I had no idea how much I missed her cameo; I knew I missed the person, but I also missed the simple act of seeing her.

The other night, she was in my dream in tears and told me that my father died. In my dream, I realized the absurdity of this: the dead telling the living that someone has died. Still, we wept together over my father's death, my mother and I. He's not really dead.

Sanna is in none of these dreams. I long for the night when my mother meets her.


At 11:56 AM, Blogger Krupskaya said...

I still dream about my grandmother, who died very suddenly almost 20 years ago. But the dreams are always kind of odd -- she's come back, and we're all awkward because my grandfather has remarried (which he did, IRL).

I had a lovely dream after Mr. K's grandma died. She was suddenly and seriously ill IRL, and died of emphysema. She hung on until John was born and got to hold her first great-grandchild a few weeks before she died.

A few months after she died, and about the time when John learned how to laugh, I had a dream that she and John were sitting on my bed, laughing and laughing and laughing together. John was laughing so hard that he fell over and squealed with glee, and Grandma M. just threw her head back and bellowed with laughter, as much as a five-foot, 99-pound Norwegian can bellow. Oh, it was hilarious. And it makes me get all smiley-teary thinking of it.

FWIW, aside from the laughing dream, it took me a long time to dream about my kids. Like, I've only just started dreaming about Maia, and I rarely dream about John. But then, I rarely dream about Mr. K, either.

Thanks for the memory. And I hope your dreams bring you comfort.

At 1:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your dream really struck a cord with me. I dream about my father, who died 14 years ago. We were very close, and I still feel bereft without him.

In the dream, he asks me to meet him for lunch at a restaurant. He tells me- totally unexpectedly- that he is dying of cancer and will not survive the night. I am so shocked that I can't speak or stop shaking. My only thought is how I can get him out of the restaurant, away to a safe palce where no one can find him- where death can't take him.

And there the dream ends. It's a horrible dream that still deeply upsets me. The worst part is the waking up- when I think for a few seconds that he's still alive, still there with me.

I don't have 'happy deams' about him yet, but I'm sure I will do one day. I like your blog and I'll be back. both my mom and dad died from cancer and it will be a big part of my blog too.


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