Postcards of Grief

Mourning is a process.

Comments on breast cancer by proxy, written by a woman coping with the loss of her mother.

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Sleep, ghost, soup, guilt

We got home at 6 last night after discussing our evening plans on the bus: dinner, PJs, then reading the paper in bed until we passed out. I was asleep on the couch by 7, just minutes after eating my pesto/mozzarella grilled cheese sandwich, and woke up some number of hours later, cold and annoyed that Brooke had abandoned me in the living room. I thought it was late, but it was 10. She was asleep in bed and had been since 8:30. I peeled my contacts out of my eyes, gooed up my stye, brushed my teeth, and again received the blessing that is fexofenadine. (I may have to ask for a refill. It was prescribed for a cold, but being relatively headache-free is indescribably marvelous.)

We didn’t roll out of bed until nearly 7:30 this morning, meaning that I got twelve hours of sleep and Brooke got ten. I’m still hankering for a cup of green tea. This is another thing that tells me that maybe parenthood is not for me. Perhaps it really is time to give up the sperm ghost. (Did you know there’s a fractal design called Ocean of Ghost Sperm?) We made it in plenty of time for the bus which ended up being one of the paratransit short busses for some reason. Every person along the route was thoroughly confused, and we found the whole thing too entertaining.

Somehow (I blame Webshots), Mom’s picture got removed from my background on my computer at work, and I decided to put one of Hannah’s pictures there. It was a really hard decision, and I still feel guilty about it. I don’t mean to remove her from my life. I don’t want to do that, but does that mean that I have to keep that one picture of her there forever? What would she want? Would she want to see Hannah’s picture there? I know she wouldn’t want me to feel guilty about it, and it’s not like I’m removing her picture and not replacing it with anything. After all, there’s joy in lentil soup as finger food:


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