Postcards of Grief

Mourning is a process.

Comments on breast cancer by proxy, written by a woman coping with the loss of her mother.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Family bed

I went into work late the other morning. Brooke and I spent some much needed time curled up in bed, our wrists and ankles woven together, feeling Ebry shift and kick. We’re in our last days before the task of raising Ebry becomes fulltime. Soon, our bed will no longer be a haven of blankets, comforters, quilts, and pillows. It will be a bastion of activity: eating, burping, changing, and (I pray) sleeping.

Yes, I’m thinking a lot about my mother these days. I wonder what, if any, role she played in getting us this child, or if the child will be like her, or if I’ll be like her and the child will be like me. I know that she’ll somehow be present for the birth.

The birth could happen at any point. I have no idea when or what I’ll be doing when I realize that it’s finally going to happen (probably breathing through a contraction, but I could be wrong), and it won’t be more than three weeks away. I wait and ponder all of my options (the most appealing of which right now involves a breast pump, a staircase, and a really long extension cord), but mostly, I just wait.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006


A good friend of Mom's died late last week. She's someone I've known since I was 11 or 12. I saw her several times a week through Mom's work. She was present and comforting in Mom's illness and death. She was quite ill in the last months of her life, a fact of which I hadn't been aware. I will miss her deeply.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Somehow, for some reason

Brooke and I were nominated by Grace for the best LGBT blog at the Best of Blogs. They liked us enough to make us finalists.

I think this means that I'm supposed to ask you to vote for us. Would you vote for us? Please? I haven't won anything since I was the Queen of the Circus for a Day when the circus came to town when I was small. If I win, I promise I'll post pictures of me as an elementary school circus queen.

rock the vote

Psst! Go vote for Flea, too! She's in the Mommy Blog category.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006


I may have just received the best gift I could have gotten: for Ebry to have two legal mommies. It’ll take some time. It’ll be a lot of money and a lot of driving, but we just might be able to do it.

No details yet. I’m still plotting the logistics.

In a conversation with my father about the various ways in which one’s will and/or trust can be arranged, he mentioned that his is arranged per stirpes. If he and Paul and I all died in the same car crash after Ebry was born, Ebry would be entitled to 50% of the proceeds of Dad’s estate, and Hannah and Brock would each get 25%. Although it’s still a little early to think about it, he went on, he would have to make a specific amendment for any child who might be legally Brooke’s but only mine in spirit and in practice.

My father knows these issues, and they matter to him. I consider myself unimaginably lucky to have him.

Thursday, January 05, 2006


I don’t have a whole lot to say right now. Brooke and I are feeling well, simultaneously eager to meet Ebry and anxious that there are so many things to get done before Ebry’s arrival. The midwife said that they strongly recommend induction at 42 weeks, but she also offered that it’s for institutional reasons, not medical ones. Mom’s births were all past 40 weeks gestation, so I assume mine would be as well. Of course, neither my conception nor fetus size match up with hers, so my reliance on that correlation is flawed.

I find myself missing her more and more now. I cried myself to sleep the other night over the memory of having to leave her to return home. I should have stayed. If I had known how quickly she would leave us, I’d have stayed. She needed me, and I left her. How did I ever think I could do this without her?

Think good job thoughts for us in the coming weeks. We’re waiting on some important phone calls.

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